Having problems with my family?

Okay, so this is going to be pretty long. So lets start with my parents. They talk to me in condescending voices, which happens to be really annoying, since I'm 13. They call me buddy, sweety, sweety-pie, honey, darling, etc. And that drives me insane. My mom calls me chubby, yet she doesn't let me go to the gym to work out, and only lets me play sports my older sister played. I know I'm fat, okay! She also just bought a book about the social lives of teenagers online or something like that. I looked through it, and its basically a bunch of lies. And now I'm pretty sure she's going to take away my iPhone after she's done reading it. And the way she talks to me about boys? That's probably the worst. I'm in middle school, and girls in my grade are like, twerking in front of the whole school. But I have a crush on this guy, and we text a lot. But anyway, the other day, she was looking through my phone, and when i walked in she asked, "Who's (insert name here)?" And i said, "No one." then i put a password on my phone. But then there's also music, and if something has a swear word, she yells at me even if its bleeped out in the song. And my dad is so freaking awkward! He just makes everything insanely awkward! Like i can't even have a normal conversation with him. Plus, I have come to realize most of the things they told me as a child were a lie. So now its really hard for me to say 'I love you', because they throw the phrase around so carelessly like it doesn't even have a meaning. For me, when i find that special guy, I want those words to mean something. So its been really awkward for me, and i don't know how to tell them that, because like i said earlier, condescending. They'll probably say something like "How would you know something like that?" Please don't tell me I'm ungrateful, because i know things could be a lot worse. God, I know. My dad told me yesterday that I wasn't pretty! And every book I read, they have to read too, and if there's one inappropriate scene in it, I'm scolded. Plus my sister is like a PI that they hired to investigate me. She stalks my instagram, twitter, etc. And one time i got an ask.fm, she called me like 5 minutes later and said, "Delete your ask.fm or else." STALKER. And if i write on my arm with sharpie, i get scolded. My parents have three moods: condescending, strict, and awkward. They blame me for not having many friends, but its their fault! Every person i invite to my house has to act a certain way or they get yelled at. I just need advice. Just anything. Please.

Wow… Sounds like your parents and sister love you, and care about you. Yes, you think they are stalking you, are condescending, strict and awkward. It shows they care, they want you to be safe.
Lucky you… Really… I know you do not believe that… But it is true.
When you think they are too strict, condescending, or even stalking… Please remember how much they love you! They are doing what they feel is best for you. If you disagree, calmly talk to them and explain how you feel.
Remember… You are not a teen forever… One day you will be off on your own! Making all your own choices, etc…
Hang in there!
You are truly blessed to have such a loving family!

If you are so mad at your parents that you want to scream at them (my wife would say) good then our job here is done!