I've been searching for a mother figure ever since I can remember, since my mom and I are not close at all. Right now I've found "my quintessential mom" in the mother of the girl I babysit for.
I know this is unhealthy and unfair not only to me, but to her. I know that she's not my mom, and she can't be. But my awareness of that fact doesn't make my life any easier. I think about her all the time, always wanting to please her, always wanting to be more lovable to her.
Last night I sent her a text basically telling her how much I appreciated her making my day so great (yesterday was my birthday and although I had to babysit all day, when she got back, she made me my choice of dinner for the family, we had cake, etc.) and that I loved her so much. (She's repeatedly told me that she loves me - in person and via text - so this didn't seem to be an inappropriate thing for me to say.)
Now I'm regretting sending it because I know that she got it (she has an iPhone) but she didn't respond. Typical me, I'm distraught over it and wondering if I said something wrong or that she all of a sudden doesn't love me anymore (even though literally less than 24 hours ago we had a 2 hr long chunk of time together to talk about life and when I left for the night she gave me a big hug and kiss and there was just generally so much love, all around.)
Typing this out makes me completely aware of how truly stupid this sounds. She could have not replied to my text for many very realistic reasons but I can't seem to shake the thought out of my head that, because of something I said in the text message, she doesn't love me anymore/she thinks I'm too clingy and doesn't want to enable my clinginess/etc.
Another fear I have is that what I experienced last night was not out of her love for me, but rather feeling like she HAD to do it because I spent my birthday babysitting her daughter.
Every day I struggle to maintain the balance of having enough contact with her to sustain my need for her love and affection, but also not to be overbearing and/or put her in a position in which she felt uncomfortable. I literally fight this every day and I want it to stop because it's taking over and destroying my life.
How can I deal with this?