I've just been feeling really empty and bad today. I don't know. Like I'm having a quarter life crisis or something. I mean I go to an Ivy league university, and I don't even know what the f**k I want to do with life anymore.
I just got into thinking about how numb we all are. How much I've lost touch with myself and any passion I ever had for anything. I just go with what I was interested in when I used to be interested in stuff. Not that I'm not interested in things now, just I used to be passionate. Now although I have interests, I only have fake passion.
And I got to thinking; is it me who is numb? Or is it my entire generation? Because I can't remember what feeling feels like exactly. That overwhelming joy, or extreme sorrow, or passion and creative drive. I feel like we're always stuck on Facebook and our iPhones and can't even feel anything but materialistic joy anymore. Or maybe it's just me who is numb. I really don't know.
But if I don't keep busy 24/7, I feel like I lose my grip on things. I think too much. I get lost, I get confused. But when busy, I feel like I have no time to think outside of school/life tasks, and I just long for some time to figure out what is going on.
I feel like I'm on this fast moving train. I don't know where it's going, I'm just trying my best to go with the flow, but it's going so fast and every moment I slip back a little more, and all I really want is to slow down so I can figure out where the f**k I'm going.
I don't even know who I'm anymore though. I feel like I'm defined by the way other people see me, and I have no definition of myself. I look in the mirror sometimes and I don't even recognize my reflection as me.
As a side note, I've been super paranoid lately. Like before I go to bed I check behind the shower curtain to make sure no one is there, I deadbolt my door. I'm always afraid people can read my thoughts, or that everyone hates me and they'd rather I not be with them. I mean it's probably normal stuff for someone my age (19), but yeah.
What is going on with me? How do I feel "normal" when I'm not keeping myself busy with empty tasks?