At first, I fit right in. This was from kindergarten to the end of elementary school. I was just called 'bright', or maybe strange, in a good way. I had friends, mainly because I made them easily. I was well-adjusted and happy with my life and how it was turning out. I didn't care that many of my friends ended up dumping me. I felt like there was something big and protective there for me, to comfort me when I cried and to give me a pat on the back when I felt discouraged.
Now… I'm 15. I feel like it's all been stripped away. I look at myself from the side, and realize how pathetic my attempts are to blend in, to make friends, to be a part of society. I'll never really be able to. Who really enjoys chess, besides me? No one, at least at my school. They're all too scared I'll beat them, so they stick to iPhone games, which I don't have access to since I don't have one.
Does anyone like math for its own sake? Not because some parents forced them to?
Does anyone bother to find a path in their life that they like, to worry about their own happiness and well-being, not just money?
When will they realize they're being immature when they think smiling is for fools?
Will classical music ever be given a chance?
I can't find a friend that really understands me, shares my values and gets along with me. I was stupid for thinking I'll ever really fit in. I try being radically different, flaunting my uniqueness. Gets me nowhere.
Playing chess, liking math and art together, physics, classical music, wanting to crossdress and being really irritated at gender stereotypes, not being able to find my passion and figure my life out, thinking more and obsessively, and wanting to be a good person without following God - these things all push me out to the edges, to the cold and bitter loneliness.
And it's eating me from the inside out.